Page Seven

The roads I have Traveled the bridges I have crossed
I've tried to go the extra mile, I've come to many stops.
I've had my share of road blocks, toward what I thought could be the end, but had to be brought back many miles or two again.

I'd run into a stranger as he passed by.,"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.
He said, "Please excuse me too; I wasn't watching for you."We were very polite, this stranger and I, We went on our way and we said good-bye.

But at home a different story is told, of how we treat our loved ones, young and old.

My Grandmother instilled in me to give from the Heart

and now thats she's gone I feel torn apart.

Finding out everything I never knew, not knowing all as I grew,

My life is turn so upside down, it's very hard to hide this lonely frown.

They say I'm just a Bastard Child that no-one knew or cared to know

A mistake unspoken with hope I would fade away & never again show.

The look upon the faces when they were told about me

the shock and disgrace I seen in their eyes, thats one look you cant disguise.

I left feeling so alone, wondering why was I ever born.

I've heard so many different stories of how I came about

to the point that I made myself believe they did love me without a doubt.

I guess I'm just a fool, was I just a mistake, the hurt and lies I had to take.

Was it my fault? Am I invisible and cannot be seen?

Am I so different that they ignore me?

I'm hiding behind a mask when the truth is, its all a lie. But you can't really tell that in the back of my mind.

What's the point of being happy If in the end we're going to cry
But this is something no one sees, This is something no one knows
And yet deep inside of me This feeling of lonliness and hurt grows.

So even though this mask reveals a happy side of me,
I use the mask as a shield to look at what others can never see.

Questions with no answers, often betrayed by sight.
Truth is often lost, My heart and soul has paid the cost.

Reality no longer felt, all the cards have been dealt.
Fading fast but burning bright, my heart can no longer fight.

Desperatley longing to have My Families love near,
accepting the demons and things I most fear.

I want to Cry out and say: What do you see when you look at me?
Do you see my smiles? Do you see the laughter?Do you see all the happiness?
Or do you see past the front to what really lies beneath?
Do you see the walls I put up to keep them out? Do you see all the tears that stained my face? Do you see the fears that I try to hide?
Do you see the scars inside of me? Those scars that wont let me free,
Those scars that run deep inside those scars that mar my very soul
Those scars I try so hard to hide So do you see the truth in me or just the truth I want you to see?
But yet all that, no-one will ever know, because I wont truly let it show,

Trying hard to embrace the life that everyone see's me as and knows,
Trying to have the courage to keep going on, wishing I could just let it all go.

How do I rid the nightmares that wake me at night, Erase the memories of childhood horror and plights? I try to scream but with no sound my eyes are filled with tears but no-one is around.

I do have ones I know truly care, and love me unconditionally but never could I let them know the emptiness and lonliness thats really inside of me. I dont want them thinking its something they've done or show pity towards me so I just try to love them the best I know how and try to make them believe.

Maybe one day I'll be able to forget and know what life can be about, but til then I'll keep my mask and parade without showing all the doubt.